Stalking Questions and Answers

These questions and answers on stalking are taken from the Stalking Resource Center website at http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_Questions_and_Answers109

What is Stalking?

The legal definition of stalking is defined primarily by state statutes. While statutes vary, most define stalking as a course of conduct that places a person in fear for their safety.

However, the term "stalking" is more commonly used to describe specific kinds of behavior directed at a particular person, such as harassing or threatening another person. But the variety of specific strategies employed and behaviors displayed by stalkers are limited only by the creativity and ingenuity of the stalkers themselves. Suffice it to say, virtually any unwanted contact between a stalker and their victim which directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear can generally be referred to as stalking.

Is Stalking a New Phenomenon?

No -- the history of stalking behavior is as old as the history of human relationships. Stalking has always been with us -- what is new is that, until recently, it was never labeled as a separate and distinct class of deviant behavior. Prior to its common usage and its subsequent designation as a crime, stalking was referred to as harassment, annoyance or, in some cases, simply as domestic violence.

In the late 1980s and early 1990s, numerous high-profile cases involving celebrities began to catch the attention of the media and public policy leaders. Only then did such behavior begin to be described as "stalking."

Since then, stalking has become a common subject in the popular media. With the advent of blockbuster films -- such as Fatal Attraction, Cape Fear, and Sleeping with the Enemy -- and its coverage by the news media, "stalking" has become a household word.

How Common is Stalking?

Unlike most violent crimes, law enforcement officials do not track the incidences of stalking offenses as part of their normal crime reporting process. Since there has been virtually no empirical data available, no one knows just how common stalking cases are in the United States.

Best estimates indicate that as many as 200,000 Americans are currently being stalked; moreover, 1 in 20 women will become targets of stalking behavior at least once during their lifetimes. With the passage of the 1994 Crime Bill by the U.S. Congress, which mandated the tracking and compilation of stalking crime statistics, experts will be able to determine the prevalence of this crime for the first time.

Who Are Stalkers?

Demographically:

Stalking is a gender neutral crime, with both male and female perpetrators and victims. However, most stalkers are men. Best statistics indicate that 75-80 percent (75-80%) of all stalking cases involve men stalking women. Most tend to fall into the young to middle-aged categories. Most have above-average intelligence. Stalkers come from every walk of life and every socio-economic background. Virtually anyone can be a stalker, just as anyone can be a stalking victim.

Psychological and Behavioral Profile of Stalkers:

Unfortunately, there is no single psychological or behavioral profile for stalkers. In fact, many experts believe that every stalker is different, making it very difficult not only to categorize their behavior, but doubly difficult to devise effective strategies to cope with such behavior.

Forensic psychologists, who study criminal behavior, are just beginning to examine the minds and motives of stalkers. These psychologists have identified two broad categories of stalkers and stalking behavior -- "Love Obsession" and "Simple Obsession."

Love Obsession Stalkers

This category is characterized by stalkers who develop a love obsession or fixation on another person with whom they have no personal relationship. The target may be only a casual acquaintance or even a complete stranger. This category represents about 20-25 percent (20-25%) of all stalking cases.

Stalkers who stalk celebrities and stars -- such as David Letterman, Jodie Foster, and Madonna -- fall into the category of love obsessionists; however, stalkers in this category also include those who develop fixations on regular, ordinary people -- including co-workers, their aerobics instructor, casual acquaintances or people they pass in the street.

The vast majority of love obsessional stalkers suffer from a mental disorder -- often schizophrenia or paranoia. Regardless of the specific disorder, nearly all display some delusional thought patterns and behaviors. Since most are unable to develop normal personal relationships through more conventional and socially acceptable means, they retreat to a life of fantasy relationships with persons they hardly know, if at all. They invent fictional stories -- complete with what is to them real-life scripts -- which cast their unwilling victims in the lead role as their own love interest. They then attempt to act out their fictional plots in the real world.

The woman who has stalked David Letterman for five years truly believes she is his wife. She has been discovered on Mr. Letterman's property numerous times, has been arrested driving his car and has even appeared at his residence with her own child in tow -- each time insisting that she is David Letterman's wife.

Love obsessional stalkers not only attempt to live out their fantasies, but expect their victims to play their assigned roles as well. They believe they can make the object of their affection love them. They desperately want to establish a positive personal relationship with their victim. When the victim refuses to follow the script or doesn't respond as the stalker hopes, they may attempt to force the victim to comply by use of threats and intimidation.

When threats and intimidation fail, some stalkers turn to violence. Some decide that if they cannot be a positive part of their victim's life, they will be part of their life in a negative way. Some even go so far as to murder their victims in a twisted attempt to romantically link themselves to their victim forever. This was the case with the man who shot and killed Rebecca Schaffer, the young actress and star of the television show My Sister Sam.

Simple Obsession Stalkers

This second category represents 70-80 percent (70-80%) of all stalking cases and is distinguished by the fact that some previous personal or romantic relationship existed between the stalker and the victim before the stalking behavior began.

Virtually all domestic violence cases involving stalking fall under this rubric, as do casual dating relationships (commonly referred to as Fatal Attraction cases, named after the popular movie by the same title).

While this kind of stalker may or may not have psychological disorders, all clearly have personality disorders. One forensic psychologist has attempted to identify some of the common personality traits and behavioral characteristics among this category of stalkers. Stalkers in this class are characterized as individuals who are:

  • Socially maladjusted and inept;
  • Emotionally immature;
  • Often subject to feelings of powerlessness;
  • Unable to succeed in relationships by socially-acceptable means;
  • Jealous, bordering on paranoid; and
  • Extremely insecure about themselves and suffering from low self-esteem.

The self-esteem of simple obsession stalkers is often closely tied to their relationship with their partner. In many cases, such stalkers bolster their own self-esteem by dominating and intimidating their mates. Exercising power over another gives them some sense of power in a world where they otherwise feel powerless. In extreme cases, such personalities attempt to control every aspect of their partner's life. This behavior pat-tern was vividly depicted in the major motion picture entitled Sleeping with the Enemy, where the antagonist turns to intimidation and violence as the means to control every aspect of his victim/wife's life.

Since the victim literally becomes the stalker's primary source of self-esteem, their greatest fear becomes the loss of this person. Their own self-worth is so closely tied to the victim that when they are deprived of that person, they may feel that their own life is without worth.

It is exactly this dynamic that makes simple obsession stalkers so dangerous. In the most acute cases, such stalkers will literally stop at nothing to regain their "lost possession" -- their partner -- and in so doing, regain their lost self-esteem.

Just as with most domestic violence cases, stalkers are the most dangerous when they are first deprived of their source of power and self-esteem; in other words, the time when their victims determine to physically remove themselves from the offender's presence on a permanent basis by leaving the relationship.

Indeed, stalking cases which emerge from domestic violence situations constitute the most common and potentially lethal class of stalking cases. Domestic violence victims who leave an abusive relationship run a 75 percent (75%) higher risk of being murdered by their partners.

Stalking behavior is as diverse as the stalkers themselves. Yet behavioral experts are beginning to identify patterns in the cycle of violence displayed by simple obsession stalkers.

Stalking Behavior Patterns and Cycles:

Stalking behavior patterns closely mirror those common in many domestic violence cases. The pattern is usually triggered when the stalker's advances toward their victim is frustrated -- regardless of whether the stalker is seeking to establish a personal relationship or continue a previously established relationship contrary to the wishes of the victim.

The stalker may attempt to woo their victim into a relationship by sending flowers, candy and love letters, in an attempt to "prove their love." However, when the victim spurns their unwelcome advances, the stalker often turns to intimidation. Such attempts at intimidation often begin in the form of an unjustified, jealous and inappropriate intrusion into the victim's life. Often these contacts become more numerous and intrusive over time, until such collective conduct becomes a persistent pattern of harassment. Many times, harassing behavior escalates to threatening behavior. Such threats may be direct or indirect and communicated explicitly or implicitly by the stalker's conduct. Unfortunately, cases that reach this level of seriousness too often end in violence and/or murder.

Stalkers, unable to establish or re-establish a relationship of power and control over their victims, turn to violence as a means of reasserting their domination over the victim. In some cases, offenders are even willing to kill their victims and themselves in a last, desperate attempt to assert their domination over the victim.

The evolution of the stalker's thought pattern progresses from, "If I can just prove to you how much I love you," to "I can make you love me," to "If I can't have you, nobody else will."

While this progression in behavior is common, no stalking case is completely predictable. Some stalkers may never escalate past the first stage. Others jump from the first stage to the last stage with little warning. Still others regress to previous stages before advancing to the next. It is not uncommon to see stalkers intersperse episodes of threats and violence with flowers and love letters.

As difficult as it is to predict what a stalker might do, it is at least as difficult to predict when he might do it. A few stalkers will progress to later stages in only a few weeks or even days. In other cases, stalkers who have engaged in some of the most serious stalking behaviors may go months or even years without attempting a subsequent contact.

It is this unpredictability that makes developing an effective response strategy so difficult in any particular stalking case. (See INFOLINK, No. 47, "Stalking: Safety Plan Guidelines" for more information.)

Dating Violence Power and Control Wheel Followed by the Equality Wheel

The following information was taken from the Michigan.gov website and each of the wheels below can be accessed from the following url:  http://www.michigan.gov/datingviolence/0,1607,7-233-46553---,00.html.

It's About Power and Control

 

This wheel represents a snapshot of what a violent teen dating relationship looks like. While it doesn't cover every survivor's experience, it does portray the most common tactics teen abusers use against their dating partners.

You will notice that the center, or hub, of the wheel is "Power and Control." This is at the very heart of this wheel because power and control are the reasons abusers choose to use violence and other tactics against their dating partners. They want complete power over and control of their partners.

In order to get that power and control, most teen abusers start out very slyly using the various tactics - or spokes - of the wheel, but usually increase their use of them over time. These include anger/emotional abuse, using social status, intimidation, minimize/deny/blame, threats, sexual coercion, isolation/exclusion and peer pressure.

The outer rim of the wheel is physical violence as violent acts or the threat of violent acts are what abusers use to get and keep their power and control over their dating partners.

Here is an easily printable version of the Power and Control Wheel.

Teen Power and Control Wheel

It Should Be About Equality

 

This wheel represents the various elements of teen dating relationships based on equality. You'll notice how very different this wheel is from the Teen Power and Control Wheel. Instead of being about getting power and control over a dating partner, a relationship based on equality involves traits like fairness, communication, respect, trust, support and honesty. Check it out!

Here is an easily printable version of the Equality Wheel.

Teen Relationship Equality Wheel Shared Responsibility. Mutually agreeing on fair distribution of work. Making desisions together. Sharing parenting responsibilities when there are children. Communication. Communicating openly and truthfully. Being honest to oneself and to one's own feelings. Negotiation and Fairness. Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting change. Being willing to compromise. Non-Threatening Behavior. Talking and acting to make your partner feel safe to express him/herself. Commitment not to use threats or manipulative actions. Respect. Listening non-judgementally. Being emotionally affirming and understanding. Valuing opinions. Trust and Support. Supporting each other's goals. respecting each other's rights and individual feelings, friends, activities and opinions. Overcoming jealousy issues of envy. Independence and Autonomy. Recognizing interdependence. Awareness of dependence needs. Accepting individual separateness. Fostering individual identity. Honesty and Accountability. Accepting responsibility for self. Acknowledging if there has been past use of violence.


In Order to Heal, It's Not Necessary....

The below writing by T. Jimma Morte is taken from the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance website and can be found at http://www.vadv.org/fullsiteindex.html.
    
In Order to Heal, It’s Not Necessary…..
 
… for our perpetrator(s) to acknowledge the abuse. We are strong, intelligent and capable beings. We know in our hearts, our bodies and our souls the truth of our past. We survived without their help and we can most certainly heal without their assistance. It is our right to own our survival, as well as our healing, no matter to what degree they are in denial.
 
…to forget, as in “forgive and forget,” as we must never forget. Until our society is relieved of the epidemic of all violence, we must continue to keep this issue in the forefront. This is the only way in which we can stop the cycle of abuse.
 
…. To forgive ourselves. For we, as survivors, have done absolutely nothing to be forgiven for. We did not ask to be assaulted and our lives torn apart. We were held captive by the manipulation and threats of our abusers.
 
….To relive every painful event. We have lived the pain --- every treacherous, excruciating and agonizing moment. We need not return to the origin of each abusive act. We need only a point of reference, an idea and understanding of what we must work through to successfully recover and heal.
 
…. To “prove” our abuse. We do have proof, even if the visual scars and bruises have long since disappeared. We carry with us the irrefutable truth of our memories. We do have proof, proof in many forms which most of us will carry with us, at least at some level, throughout the rest of our lives. We know what our perpetrators did and we carry in our bodies, hearts and memories all the proof we need.
 
…to directly confront our perpetrator(s). For to do so, in many cases, would only bring even more pain. In some cases, it might even threaten our lives. We have traveled that long and painful path from victim to survivor. We truly do not need to jeopardize our life and well-being, or the safety of our present day friends and loved ones, for we know our truth. We know the perpetrator(s) already know the truth.
 
…to share the same belief system as others. For each of us to have survived, we must have an incredible inner strength. Not all sexual assault victims have been as fortunate as we have been, to find and carry with us this power within. Along with this inner strength, we each had our own individual belief system that helped us survive those endless days and unimaginable nights. We must honor those strengths, those found within and those given by mother earth, nature, the universe or an individual’s higher power. Question not other survivor’s beliefs and centers of strength, but honor them as you do your own. Celebrate together that we have truly made it through to the other side and the road traveled surpasses surviving and moves onto the path of thriving.
                                                                                                By T. Jimma Morte

Becoming Whole Again: Healing after Sexual Assault

A brochure from the University of Texas on healing after sexual assault can be accesses by clicking on the following url:  http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/rape/rape.html.

 

An Abuser May Try to "Win" Her Back

The below information was taken from a more indepth article from the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence website at http://www.acadv.org/abusers.html

Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode.

He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:

  • Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
  • Talking about his "difficult childhood".
  • Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
  • Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.
  • Crying, begging for forgiveness.
  • Promising it will "never happen again."
  • Promising to get counseling, to change.

Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time

Understanding Domestic Abuse: What is Economic Abuse?

The below information was taken from the Allstate Foundation Domestic Violence website at:  http://www.econempowerment.org/uda_definition.htm.

What is Economic Abuse?

A complex combination of psychological, cultural, religious, familial and economic factors contribute to a victim’s decision to remain in or leave an abusive relationship. However, domestic violence victims frequently cite income, employment and financial stability as the strongest, most immediate deterrents to leaving abusive situations. The devastation of leaving a home, income, benefits and economic security behind are struggles that all victims of domestic violence must overcome, regardless of their education, job skills and personal earning potential, if they are to care for their families and live more safe and secure lives.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, evidence has shown that women with economic skills are more likely to leave abusive situations and sustain themselves and their families on a long–term basis. Because the path to economic empowerment requires time searching for jobs, participating in job–readiness programs, finding affordable housing and childcare options, repairing credit damaged by abusive partners, and dealing with the day–to–day challenges of taking care of a family, it is not surprising that survivors of domestic violence need unique assistance to become economically secure.

Economic abuse is a tactic used to control a relationship by preventing access to money or other economic resources. It might include:

  • Controlling how money is spent
  • Withholding money
  • Withholding basic living resources, medication or food
  • Not allowing the victim to work or earn money
  • Stealing the victim’s identity, money, credit or property

To determine whether you are being abused economically, answer these questions below.

Does your partner:

  • Steal money from you or your family?
  • Force you to give him or her access to your accounts?
  • Make you feel as though you don’t have a right to know any details about money or household resources?
  • Make financial or investment decisions that affect you or the family without consulting or reaching agreement with you?
  • Refuse to include you in important meetings with banks, financial planners or retirement specialists?
  • Prevent or forbid you to work or attend school or skill–training sessions?
  • Overuse your credit cards or refuse to pay the bills (thus ruining your credit)?
  • Force you to file fraudulent tax claims?
  • Prevent you from owning or using credit cards or bank cards?
  • Withhold physical resources including food, clothes, necessary medications or shelter from you?
  • Force you to work in a family business for little or no pay?
  • Refuse to work to help support the family?
  • Interfere with work performance through harassing and monitoring activities like frequent telephone calls or visits to your workplace?
  • Force you to turn over your benefit payments?
  • Threaten to report you for “cheating” on your benefits so that your benefits will be cut off, even if you aren’t cheating?
  • Force you to cash in, sell or sign over any financial assets or inheritance you own (e.g., bonds, stock or property)?
  • Force you to agree to power-of-attorney so he can sign legal documents without your knowledge?

The Dating Bill of Rights

Be familiar with the Dating Bill of Rights to help keep violence out of dating.  It comes from the Alabama Coalition Against Domestic V iolence website at http://www.acadv.org/dating.html.

Dating Bill of Rights
I have a right to:

Ask for a date

Refuse a date

Suggest activities

Refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them

Have my own feelings and be able to express them

Say, "I think my friend is wrong and his actions are inappropriate"

Tell someone not to interrupt me

Have my limits and values respected

Tell my partner when I need affection

Refuse affection

Be heard

Refuse to lend money

Refuse sex any time, for any reason

Have friends and space aside from my partner


I have the responsibility to:

Determine my limits and values

Respect the limits of others

Communicate clearly and honestly

Not violate the limits of others

Ask for help when I need it

Be considerate

Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for me

Set high goals for myself

From the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

Bystander Intervention

The below information on bystander intervention was taken from the University of Wisconsin- Stout website at https://www.uwstout.edu/cvpp/bystander_intervention.html.

How many times have you been at a party or with a small group of friends and witnessed something that made you feel uneasy? Maybe it was someone pushing another person to leave with them, or someone drugging another person's drink. Or, maybe you saw a friend slap his or her date. What would you do?

You might be thinking, "That's none of my business." Or, you may think saying something would mean "sticking your nose in someone else's business."

If you stay silent you may be part of the problem.

Sexual assault rarely happens in a room full of people, and survivors often stay silent in an abusive relationship. But warning signs or red flags that a situation is about to become violent or abusive are often noticed by others. Stepping in to find out what's going on could prevent that someone from further danger and let him or her know you're available to help.

To be clear: This isn't about making decisions for people or it doesn't mean that you have to get in a fight. It could be as simple as interrupting the situation. Asking "where's the bathroom" could provide an opportunity for someone who is feeling cornered to slip away, or just checking in with the person you're concerned about. It could mean telling a friend that you don't like the way he or she is acting, or it could mean calling the police.

The point is, if you see or know of a violent or abusive situation do something! BREAK the SILENCE!

It could change the course of someone's life forever.

Information from the National Stalking Resource Center

Below is information for keeping an incident log in the event of someone being stalked.  This comes from the National Stalking Resource Center at http://www.ncvc.org/SRC/main.aspx?dbID=DB_IncidentandBehaviorLog(goodone)759.  To download a 70-page guide for victims of stalking from the Center, click on this url:  http://www2.uta.edu/ssw/spence/documents/stalkinghandbook.pdf.
Stalking Incident and Behavior Log


It is critical that victims of stalking maintain a log of stalking-related incidents and  behavior. Recording this information will help to document the behavior for restraining order applications, divorce and child custody cases, or criminal prosecution. It can also help preserve your memory of individual incidents about which you might later testify.
The stalking log should be used to record and document all stalking-related behavior, including harassing phone calls, letters, e-mail messages, acts of vandalism, and threats communicated through third parties. When reporting the incidents to law enforcement, always write down the officer's name and badge number for your own records. Even if the officers do not make an arrest, you can ask them to make a written report and request a copy for your records..
Important note: Since this information could potentially be introduced as evidence or inadvertently shared with the stalker at a future time, do not include any information that you do not want the offender to see.
Attach a photograph of the stalker, photocopies of restraining orders, police reports, and other relevant documents. Keep the log in a safe place and tell only someone you trust where you keep your log.

Documenting stalking behavior can be a difficult and emotionally exhausting task. A local advocate in your community can provide support, information about the options available to you, and assistance with safety planning.


Date        

Time        

Description of Incident

Location of Incident

Witness Names
(Attach Address and Phone #)

Police Called
(Report #)

Officer Name
(Badge #)
  

If My Children Resent Me for Leaving....

Below is an excerpt from the mini-magazine for parents from the Family Violence Prevention Fund found at http://www.connect-endabuse.org/index.php?page=parent2parent/

 




Confused Mom
By Wendy Lichtman

Dear P2P,
 
My 10-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter witnessed my husband verbally and physically abuse me for several years. I left him a year ago as my kids were getting older and I grew more afraid about how the violence was affecting them and how it could affect their future relationships. But now, my kids see me as the \“bad guy" for leaving. What should I do?

- Confused Mom


Dear CM,

You are very brave. Leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult. Hang in there. The most important thing is that you and your children are now safe.

Resentment from children for leaving is not uncommon. You’ll want to find opportunities to spend time with them and rebuild their trust.  Let them know that you’re sorry they don't see their dad as often as they used to.  Explain, however, that your ex-husband’s abuse was hurtful. Look for teachable moments in their favorite television shows, current events, song lyrics, and conversations at school -- even gossip stories about celebrities they admire. And finally, stress that violence never equals strength and that there is no place for it in any relationship.

Have faith, young kids grow quickly. They’ll soon understand why you had to leave and recognize your courage in doing so.

Wendy Lichtman, the mother of two young adults, writes for several national magazines and newspapers

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